More from the ward II

It’s hard to blog from the psych ward.  There is no access to the internet or to computers, so this blog comes from my handwritten ideas.

My psychotic symptoms got worse.  Worse enough to keep me in the psych ward for over a week.  It’s like my hallucinations decided to rebel against me.  I saw a teenager jump in from of my care as I was driving home the other day.  I had to brake hard and screeched my tires.  the car behind me thankfully did the same and there was no accident.  But when I jumped out of the car to check on the teen, there was nobody.  Nothing.  I checked.  The guy in the car behind me checked.  No mowed down teenager, thank God.  But I can’t continue to do that.

The anxiety increased and so did the hallucinations.  Some of them were so beautiful and calm.  Almost hypnotizing.  They are hard to describe, but it wasn’t scary.  It was beautiful… But the fawns and bunnies and flowers were getting in my way, and the voices… oh! the voices went awry!  So it was time to check in.

My psychotic symptoms are atypical.  It’s late in my life to develop schizophrenia, and I don’t seem to fit the whole description for that diagnosis.  They’re changing my medication from Geodon (ziprasidone) to Abilify (aripiprazole).  I am hoping Abilify will take care of most of my symptoms.

Today I talked to my doctor and he asked me why I was looking for a diagnosis.  Totally valid question.  I’m looking for a diagnosis because that opens up opportunities for better treatment.  Maybe there is a support group for people with atypical psychosis, or a class on coping techniques that I can access, or a psychologist that specializes in psychosis.

Bottom line, once I have the diagnosis, doors may open.  Maybe if I cope with my symptoms better, my quality of life will be better.  If I could choke the voices, I would, but I can’t.  They exist in a realm of my mind that I can’t consciously access.

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