It’s hard enough dealing with myself. Constant depression (although I do have joyous moments) and hearing voices and seeing things that aren’t there. Yes, I take my medications as prescribed. Yes, I participate in individual and group therapy regularly. But this is just not enough to “fix it”. In fact, I believe this to be sort of my new normal, and I’m trying to accept it as best I can… Migraines and all.
Finding the why doesn’t seem to be important anymore. I had a fucked up childhood, followed by broken dreams (and two rapes) in early adulthood, and a not-so-very successful adulthood so far. None of these are excuses. Just possible reasons for my brain/mind going haywire. But, does it matter?
I don’t know if it does. I don’t care much if it does. What matters is now. And what I can do to make now better. Easier said than done. Dwelling in the past brings about depression. Dwelling in the future brings about anxiety. Dwelling in the now helps a lot. Easier said than done.
Sometimes, the now is out of your hands. Sometimes, you just see someone you love struggle so much and it hurts you, because you love them so much. Sometimes, you wish you could swoop in and save the day. Because this would make you feel like you matter and it would make you feel good… Because now is what matters… But some demons are for other people to fight, even if it breaks your heart. What can you do? Be there for them the best you can, without harming yourself in the process. Yes, being in the now sometimes means being selfish, but a good part of self care is being selfish. Caring about yourself, because if you don’t, nobody else will. You have to take care of yourself first to be able to take care of others. Love yourself first to be able to love others.
Yes, I have a loving husband who very much cares about me (and I about him), but my demons are not his to fight. And his demons are not mine to fight. We can only guide each other the best we can, and love each other along the way. Not everything is roses in a loving relationship. As anything healthy, there are rough patches… And what do you do with the rough patches? Roll with the punches the best you can.
Sometimes you see them blinded and torturing themselves over something they have no control over. Sound familiar? We do that too. I know I do it. And I know he sees it in me and wants me to snap out of it, just as much as I see it and want him to snap out of it. Roll with the punches. It’s hard, and it hurts, but that’s what you gotta do.
This too, shall pass.
2013 was a roller coaster year. I’ve been down in the dumps more than I care to count, but I’ve also been blessed. I have a loving blended family, though we are still filing down the rough edges. My husband and I ended our year a bit early (we both hate crowds) with a lovely sushi dinner, in which we hoped and toasted for a better 2014. We are ending the year in a sour patch, but hitting the bottom means you can only go up from there, so 2014 is sure to be better. We have a good foundation and we have each other. And that’s a great start.
I hope your 2014 looks up. I also hope it’s a great year for you. Rough patches are inevitable, but they too shall pass.