A Balancing Act

In the beginning stages of recovery, it can be really tough to find the right balance of activity and rest. You think you’re doing great, and then, all of a sudden, you crash and burn. I have learned this the hard way.

Take for example, since my son started this school year. I wake up, take him to school, go to treatment, come back, take him to therapy, feed him dinner, go to bed. Wake up, take him to school, go to treatment, come back, take him to gymnastics, feed him dinner, go to bed. Wake up, take him to school, go to treatment… you get the picture. I’m a super taxi driver. And other than going to treatment, I also schedule his medical and dental appointments, take him to them, coordinate with my ex-husband for weekend activities, etc. This is just managing my life and his life.

If you don’t already know, my son is autistic, high functioning autistic or HFA. So his therapies (speech, occupational, and socialization) rival the ones I get to manage my depression, psychosis, and PTSD in frequency.

Add to that, that I am also attempting to cook, clean, do laundry, dishes, etc all at the same time.

I have become very overwhelmed. To the point in which I was very close to hospitalizing myself, because, yes, those damned intrusive suicidal thoughts came to my head.

However, to make things a bit different, I did catch it on time to stop the downward spiral. I have screaming auditory hallucinations that helped me identify that I was quite overwhelmed and on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

So, instead of letting it get to the point in which I end up in the psychiatric unit, I decided that it was time to take a sudden break. I announced to everybody that for a week, I wasn’t going to do anything. That I shouldn’t be bothered, and that they should just imagine I fell off the face of the earth for a week.

It has taken me 5 days of break to begin to feel somewhat better… at least better enough to share with you that I am still alive and kicking.

And it’s a bitch. I don’t mean to complain, although I probably am complaining, but when I get depressed and overwhelmed, even simple tasks become behemoth chores.

So I have been working on my new schedule for the other half of the school year and well, this time around, I am also scheduling a lot more breaks. I haven’t completely figured it out yet, but I will figure it out probably this weekend. I need to make sure I accomplish things and that I don’t overwhelm myself too much.

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